feeling black and white
by Jobey-Star
Summary: Jude lets his conscience get the better of him. My first fanfic so be nice : would welcome constructive criticism!
1. Chapter 1

I'd show her; I'd show both of us that she meant nothing to me.

Only I couldn't. In my mind I hit her again and again, even while she was screaming, even when she stopped screaming. I was turning cold.

Only what I was actually doing was completely different.

"Cara, I'm so sorry!" I gasped, breathing in and talking fast at the same time.

And every bit of warmth I'd been trying to deny came flooding back. All of Jude's rules, suddenly they seemed pointless. Dad, Callum, Lynny, and Mum – poor old mum. I didn't want them any more. I'd have swapped the whole lot for Cara at that second.

She looked up at me. "Steve? Steve! What was that for, are you really hurting so bad inside?"

I looked at her. I had to know. If she couldn't deal with it then I'd carry on and finish her off – filthy dagger bitch. If she could, then god help me. I looked at her eyes, half filled with hurt, half filled with love. Just like me. I hated Crosses, I hated them, for all the hurt they'd caused us. They'd never caused anything put pain to the McGreggor family. But I loved Cara. I needed the money Cara had for the LM, but I'd've swapped everything I had in the LM, my whole life; just to spend it with Cara. So she had to know. Her life was now in her own hands, or were they my hands, or was my life in her hands, mixed together?

"Cara, my name… it's not Steven Winner, its Jude. Jude McGreggor."


	2. Chapter 2

She looked at me. Cara. She had the weirdest look on her face. She was still sitting awkwardly on the floor, where she'd fallen. Where I'd hit her. Her lip was bleeding. I'd done that. But that look… like she suddenly understood the way the world worked, and realised at the same time she had to carry the whole sum of it on her shoulders. It was like she knew the choices I'd laid out for her. At the same time still, she looked like I'd confirmed something she already knew.

A solitary tear rolled down her left cheek, and I realised I was crying myself.

She slowly got up, her gaze didn't move a millimetre from my own, and she wiped my tears away with her velvet soft finger, and whispered "Jude, oh… Jude".


	3. Chapter 3

I head the click of a gun being cocked.

What?

"Jude… I'm sorry. I really did like you, you know?"  
"Cara, what the hell?" Cara, my Cara, kind gentle Cara, loving Cara. With A GUN?!

"Steve, I haven't been brutally honest with you."

"Keep talking." How did I get this far? I tried switching back into Soldier mode. But nothing doing, my knees didn't feel like they were connecting my calves to my thighs. I was about a nanosecond from falling over. I grabbed the sideboard for support.

"I told you I inherited my house from my Dad. That he'd been sick. That's not true. He was killed. And my mother. They both worked for the secret service. His job was to flush out members of LM cells. He joined after an LM junior stabbed his wife – my mother – and took her purse.

I'd been raised a pacifist. Dad taught me that you shouldn't fight violence with violence, and that under the skin, everyone is the same."

I was beyond words now. Cara's voice filled my head. Yet I still couldn't see the colour of her skin. I kept saying 'Dagger bitch' to myself, but the words sounded hollow, and her eyes cut through my thoughts. Those eyes.

Silence, I think it was about ten or twenty seconds. It might as well've been nine hundred years.

All I could think about was the barrel of the small pistol she was pointing at me. I couldn't even name it. Me! A weapons expert and I couldn't tell you at this point in time a single thing about Cara's gun, except that it was trained squarely between my eyes.

"You might be thinking 'Well it's alright for you, you're on the inside, and violence is our only means of making our voices heard.' It might interest you to know, Jude, that my Grandmother on my father's side was actually a nought."

I couldn't help it then. I was violently sick. All these pairs of noughts and Crosses swam around my head. My grandparents, Cara's grandparents, Lynny and Jed, Callum and Sephy, and me and…"

"I don't believe in violence, Jude. That's why I carried on in my father's trade. I think that peace is the solution. And although I don't agree with killing those who nurture violence within others, I do think they should be stopped. I don't want to hurt you Jude. I really don't. If you give me names, addresses, contacts – I'll make sure you get nothing more than 2 years inside, a new identity when you come out."

2 years. What else would I do in two years, without Cara there? I sank to the ground, well aware I was now sitting in my own vomit. I looked up at Cara, she was still crying. She really was sorry. It really was hurting her to do this to me. She really did care. A single tear splashed from her cheekbone to her pale blue top, making a little dark patch. She looked so sad and so beautiful. So fucking beautiful.


End file.
